Reward Children Without Spoiling Them

Parents Can Reward Their Children Without Spoiling Them

One of parenthood’s true joys is finding so much to celebrate about a child’s achievements. It seems there’s always a new threshold crossed or a new milestone reached, between baby’s first words and steps to excelling at school and other interests.

The problem remains, however, that parents can spoil their children with too much attention and praise, or with rewards that exceed their proportionate worth. And spoiling can create any number of difficulties for children later down the line. Children who are “spoiled,” or given unrealistic expectations of how the world will react to them and around them, often struggle with dashed self-esteem and flawed social relationships later in life. Spoiling children is perhaps best described as the “tender trap” for parents – easy to get into, but with damages and difficult solutions once it occurs.

Rewarding children for good grades is an error of standards.

There’s a difference between lavishing praise on the routine or above-average and the exceptional. Good grades aren’t worth rewarding – excellent grades bear some well-earned recognition! Improved grades are also worth celebrating, because they offer such strong positive reinforcement to the children as they put greater efforts into their important schoolwork. So keep the real partying reserved for straight A’s or better grades.

Rewarding children for doing chores is fine – under some rules

Parents often find the promise of an allowance or financial reward a powerful incentive for children to complete a list of household tasks. An allowance is healthy for their emotional development so long as its rules are strictly followed. The allowance is NOT an entitlement, and it’s not given in advance.

”Giving in” and making exceptions sabotages the work already done.

You’re bound to encounter this situation sooner or later: the child wants something or wants something done, and the argument is compelling. “Can’t we just ____?” they ask. “Just this once?”

The old axiom that exceptions make the rules is true of parenting, but with too many exceptions come an erosion of absolutes for the child – and children thrive on the stability that absolutes provide. Don’t give in because whatever the child wants seems important now. You run the risk of setting a lasting impression that the rules can always be bent.

Parents should share disciplining duties.

Assigning one parent the role of disciplinarian creates a duality of “good parent” vs. “bad parent” in the child’s mind. Parents need to agree on a clear discipline and reward policy and adhere to it on a consistent basis. The child will understand that authority is not arbitrary and that the rules of the house are in fact just that.

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